There are seasons in life where it seems like nothing makes any sense at all. I do not understand what lesson God wants me to learn as my life seems more nomadic/chaotic than the clients I work with. Physically, emotionally and spiritually I can feel fine one day and the next I am completely angry. In reality, I am completely exhausted.
Frustration is an understatement with where my emotions are at. My emotions may or may not be justifiable. I want to believe that life seems to come together so easily for others. Every year it seems like an event rattles my core trying to move the foundation on which I live my life. We all have stuff to work through. I understand. It doesn’t negate the thought processes and reality we are each working through.
Multiple times in the past month I found myself full of anger. Nine weeks and I am still couch surfing. I should be running my first half marathon in less than two weeks. However, I hurt my knee and running for more than 20 minutes kills my left knee, where previously I was running over an hour consistently. My ability to put into the time needed to train lacked due to balancing two jobs, trying to figure out where to live and any other excuse I wanted to use. Finances itself is a gong show. But somehow I seem to make it through. I don’t know how to process with where exactly I am at.
I was driving from a client’s house yesterday praying and all that would come out were curse words. Words that were not directed at Him, but voiced utter frustration on where I was at and confusion on what to do next.
Last night, I met up with a friend. We prayed through our confusion about what is going on. We both felt that we have responded to where He is leading and as we walked towards an open door …. It closes. We prayed and I swore. My friend just send, “Let it out. God can handle it.” I was just trying not to cry or punch anyone in the face.
I got back to the house I was staying at. My good friend asked if I wanted to go for a run. It was after 9 pm. It was, honestly, a sign of relief. The only alternative I could think of was to throw empty beer bottles at someone. I know, it’s irrational, but it was my thought process. We ran. We voiced our frustration. I prayed and swore some more. We talked about letting things go.
I was reminded of a few things from conversations yesterday and a morning doughnut session with another friend…. If my life was perfect, my depth of understanding of how big and in control God really is would be so small. There would be no need to trust in Him. Life is not perfect and it’s messy – it is not a synposis of my relationship with God. He doesn’t love me less. I don’t love Him less either. We continue to fight for our relationship together. He fights even more than I can. I don’t understand what He is giving. Although I keep believing God wants all good things for us.
I really do not know what lesson I am supposed to learn. It is probably patience and His timing. But I do know God can handle my anger and sometimes I swear at Him. I am allowed to be angry, even if I have the right or not to be. But I won’t let my frustration turn into sour bitterness. I am reminded it’s only for a season…. And that I need to take boxing lessons.