There is an oddity within the issue of homosexuality, especially within this writing endeavor for the need to prove something. There is a reassurance of what God is doing something in my life. A reminder of a dream or a vision of a wife to be and three children rushing around an apartment building. It’s reassurance that in some way or some how that anything and everything is possible.
Yet, I remind myself that I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to prove in trying to find the one. I have nothing to prove in “checking out” the ladies that pass by. There used to be a part of me that wanted to struggle with the “normality” of what typical male issues are. Lust after the opposite gender and the troublesome heart of finding the “perfect” match.
Ironic Part: ”Sexual Healing” just came on in the coffee shop I am in.
What is the rush? If I rush into a relationship without patiently waiting on the Lord then another person will get hurt. It will be confusion and disappointment placed upon myself and others in proving that homosexuality can magically disappear. It is still a reality within my life and possibly never going away. I never wanted to worship a magical Jesus. Okay, maybe in some ways I did.
If only I could pray the gay away this would be so much easier. Or if I could not have had those dreams long ago than I could just go about my way being a homosexual.
This is what it means to deny myself. It means to let go a part of my wishes and waiting for something more. Yes, it means to wait and not rush the plan God has for me. If I rushed to satisfy particular people than I am fulfilling a need for man to be satisfied and I will just get less than the best.
What if I don’t get married?
What if she never comes around?
Were the dreams and visions not worth it?
Is this story that I am living in still a redemptive story?
It is. Redemption comes within the story God places us in. Redemption is simply waiting on the Lord and allowing Him to transform us into something beautiful. It is outside our limited mindsets of what God can and cannot do. It is wondering and waiting for a time to see what could happen.
None of us have anything to prove to each other.
No standards to uphold to the expectations of our professors, bosses, friends or family.
Redemption comes within living the story He has made for us. We have so little to prove, especially to make believe that God did something crazy knowing that we are living less and miserable on the inside.
It’s time to let go.