Nothing to Prove

There is an oddity within the issue of homosexuality, especially within this writing endeavor for the need to prove something.  There is a reassurance of what God is doing something in my life.  A reminder of a dream or a vision of a wife to be and three children rushing around an apartment building.  It’s reassurance that in some way or some how that anything and everything is possible.

Yet, I remind myself that I have nothing to prove.  I have nothing to prove in trying to find the one.  I have nothing to prove in “checking out” the ladies that pass by.  There used to be a part of me that wanted to struggle with the “normality” of what typical male issues are.  Lust after the opposite gender and the troublesome heart of finding the “perfect” match.

Ironic Part:  “Sexual Healing” just came on in the coffee shop I am in.

What is the rush?  If I rush into a relationship without patiently waiting on the Lord then another person will get hurt.  It will be confusion and disappointment placed upon myself and others in proving that homosexuality can magically disappear.  It is still a reality within my life and possibly never going away.  I never wanted to worship a magical Jesus.  Okay, maybe in some ways I did.

If only I could pray the gay away this would be so much easier.  Or if I could not have had those dreams long ago than I could just go about my way being a homosexual.

This is what it means to deny myself.  It means to let go a part of my wishes and waiting for something more.  Yes, it means to wait and not rush the plan God has for me.  If I rushed to satisfy particular people than I am fulfilling a need for man to be satisfied and I will just get less than the best.

What if I don’t get married?

What if she never comes around?

Were the dreams and visions not worth it?

Is this story that I am living in still a redemptive story?

It is.  Redemption comes within the story God places us in.  Redemption is simply waiting on the Lord and allowing Him to transform us into something beautiful.  It is outside our limited mindsets of what God can and cannot do.  It is wondering and waiting for a time to see what could happen.

None of us have anything to prove to each other.

No standards to uphold to the expectations of our professors, bosses, friends or family.

Redemption comes within living the story He has made for us.  We have so little to prove, especially to make believe that God did something crazy knowing that we are living less and miserable on the inside.

It’s time to let go.

11 Comments

  1. I’m thinking the same things as you are right now. How I perceive it is that our endeavours on earth is really just preparing us for the eternal life. My desires for a relationship with the opposite gender is starting to increase, and especially at age 32, the desire for marriage gets even stronger (mostly for companionship). I then ask myself, if God does allow me to have this privilege to have an opposite gender companion and marriage, how would it help me discover God even more and get into a deeper relationship with Him? Ofcourse there are many answers to that, but we can’t be certain. After all, in every season of life, there’s a new set of challenge to mould us and train us for the eternal life. I started looking at the endeavours I have in hand now, in this season, and let God work through me before a greater set of challenge is given. And to know that all challenges for us is to learn how to love and worship God in our eternal lives, I kind of think it doesn’t really matter if I learn it with a marriage or learn it being single for the rest of my life. God will have a way through my circumstances to learn it.

    Reply

    1. Exactly! I am feeling the same way about God having his way within outline circumstances. It’s letting go of my expectations that I have to be something to prove a point that Jesus has redeemed my life completely. He already has and continued to be in the process of doing that!

      Reply

  2. I’m proud of you for choosing to trust God!! I’m with you in believing that it’s worth it. He is worth it.

    I married a man who struggled with homosexuality. Both of us were fooled into thinking about magic instead of just listening to God’s leading. When that magic didn’t happen and he didn’t know how to surrender himself the way that you keep choosing to do, he lost his faith (this was not a sudden loss, but it took a long time of him choosing isolation). We got a divorce, but his loss of faith is what is the most heartbreaking.

    I’m not saying this to discourage you at all, because of all the people I’ve known in their varying stages of struggle with this issue, your honesty and clinging to God seems the most whole and real.

    Reply

    1. Thanks! It’s difficult to be honest and cling to God at times… A lot of times. For some reason, within those moments I know to remember those specific God moments where I cannot deny He showed up.

      Blessings to you!

      Reply

  3. As one who waits on a long-ago promise from God, I totally understand this. Hope and hopelessness mingle. Thanks for the reminder to stay in the confidence of God’s timing. Prayers for us both as we wait.

    Reply

  4. I very much admire your openness and it is so encouraging to find someone with such outstanding faith in the midst of many tribulations. I just sent you an email, please just read it when you get a chance. Blessings :)

    Reply

  5. nate, your blog is the best. Way to tell your story and be so honest. I know you are giving many silent people courage!! you are most definitely led by the Spirit of the Living God and he’s roaring inside of you. blessings & many prayers, – Katie Baker

    Reply

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